The lionhearted thoughts of a girl named Lainey.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”

CS Lewis

How can you put a price on friendship? How do you determine its value?

As we grow older friendships change. Relationship’s shift. Alliances break or form.

More and more our society has become more transient. A shift in our society making people more mobile has greatly impacted our relationships, specifically our friendships.

Our friendships differ from our family and romantic relationships in a huge way. They are voluntary ties; you can get in and out at your choosing (or at the choosing of someone else).

I have seen this very thing in my life. I grew up in New Mexico and changed schools at every level. The friendships I made in elementary school were cut off when my parents decided to send me to a private school for middle school. I had to start over and thankfully I was able to make new friends quick and rebound in the new environment pretty effectively. The same thing happened for high school, my older sister was being bullied and teased at our private school and she begged my parents to let her go to public school. They agreed and I ended up naturally following my sister making it easier on my parents if we were at the same school. Again, I had to start over. All of the kids in high school had known each other since childhood, again I was the new girl. My sister encouraged me to join the cheerleading squad as they hosted open tryouts in the fall. I had a background in dance and drill team so it was a natural fit. I tried out and ended up making the team, friendships followed quickly and easily and I found myself surrounded by friends, deemed “popular” in high school and didn’t think twice about it. The memories I have of high school were very fond and fun. In addition, growing up in church you make friends with similar beliefs and values so I was able to have friends at school and at church.

Then college came and I went against the grain again and went to the University of New Mexico while most of my friends went to the community college. I lasted a year there, struggled to make friends, toyed with the idea of joining a sorority but ultimately decided it wasn’t for me. After my freshmen year of college, we went to Texas for my sister’s college graduation, she attended a bible college in Dallas and seemed to be really happy and find a lot of joy and peace in her years there. I attended a church worship service with her and felt the presence of God very strongly. I heard a clear voice say to me, “This is where I have called you”. It didn’t make sense; I was getting free tuition at the University of New Mexico but felt very strongly that Dallas was where I was supposed to be. I told my parents and they fully supported my decision. That fall we packed up my stuff and moved me into the college dorms. I spent two years studying the Bible, finding who I was and building beautiful friendships. After getting my associates degree I went to Dallas Baptist University and continued to flourish socially and in my relationships. After school I moved back home to New Mexico, again leaving friends behind. A couple years later I took a job in Florida, dated and broke up with a guy and moved again back to New Mexico. Fast forward a few years later and I made yet another move to California.

Needless to say, moving here and there every few years was not ideal for friendships and relationships. Naturally with distance the relationships sort of fade out. It’s hard to stay connected when you are hundreds of miles away. The only constant has been family. I’ve hard to start over and over in building relationships and have found that making and building relationships as an adult is a lot harder than it was in school. Life is a lot busier; most people are pursuing careers or have already “settled down” and gotten married, had kids and have a whole new set of social circles.

Getting married later in life and living the single life for what seemed like forever made my relationships fickle, seasonal and depended heavily on my mood and current priorities. Then after the trauma of the shooting in Vegas, my naturally introverted personality became even more introverted. I hated going out, it induced my fears and anxieties and made building and maintaining relationships even harder.

But the reality is, all of these choices have made me feel lonely at times. Wishing I had good close girlfriends who knew me, understood me, accepted me, loved me, showed up for me, checked in on me.

I realized that the persons that I considered to be my best friends weren’t really around anymore. Not only were they not physically around, but we barely spoke. When we did find time to catch up it is so fulfilling to chat with an old friend. They inherently know things about you that you don’t have to explain or rehash. However, as time has gone on those relationships have dwindled. I find myself reaching out more than them and it naturally makes me feel like I’m the only one putting in effort. I try not to take it personally; they are just as busy as I am if not more but it still stings. Knowing that people you were once so close to have no idea what’s going on in your life or even bother to care makes you feel unloved.

I find myself praying often lately that God would lead me and help me find true connections. I miss the days of feeling close to people, feeling loved and valued.

As adults we tend to not put so much focus or efforts into friendships as we used to. When we were in high school or college our social calendars were everything. Now as adults, we have to schedule social events weeks in advance because of careers, marriage, kids, etc.

However, I think we are missing one of life’s greatest treasures and that is the gift of friendship. True, meaningful friendship. Many studies have shown the importance and value of these friendships and how much they add to our happiness and fulfillment. I mean what is life if not our relationships? Money comes and goes and proves to be a fleeting enjoyment, we never seem to have enough of it. Careers can bring great fulfillment but with our progressive American mindset, we quickly find burn out, unrealistic deadlines and expectations and ultimately dissatisfaction. What’s left are our relationships, family, marriage, parenthood and friendship.

My hope is that God plants me around strong, bold, passionate women who have similar values as myself. Women that can turn to one another and offer support, loyalty, consideration, respect and selflessness. As I prepare for motherhood this prayer has become more frequent and relevant. Motherhood will be the most beautiful and scary thing I will ever do and I’d love some help and support from fellow mamas. None of us know exactly what we are doing but it helps to not do it alone. To lean on one another during our most vulnerable times.

I have been blessed in this season with some great friends. I wish I saw them more; I wish we had more time for each other, but I want more. I want my friendships to be deeper and not so surface level. I long to have friends that are there for me when I am feeling low, stressed, scared and lead me to light, love and purpose.

If sometimes you too feel lonely, or sad over the loss of friendships you are not alone. Let’s evaluate our own lives and see how we can be better friends. How can I be a better friend? Are my relationships balanced or one-sided? Don’t be afraid to rid yourself of toxic relationships and toxic “friends”.

Yes, friendship is work but it’s the kind of work that shouldn’t leave you feeling drained, unseen or undervalued.

Friendships should bring enrichment and fulfillment. No, it’s not practical to put your happiness in the hands of others but we can definitely benefit from strong healthy relationships that help us grow, hold us accountable, walk with us in good times and tough times. We were created to be connected to others. To love and be loved is all that we can ever ask for.

I pray for all of us that we find and maintain strong, healthy and fulfilling friendships. You’ve got a friend in me and I hope I have a friend in you.

Lean on me
When you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on…For it won’t be long
Till I’m gonna need somebody to lean on

XO,

Lainey