The lionhearted thoughts of a girl named Lainey.

This past week we ventured to the beautiful islands of Hawaii for our honeymoon. It was such a magical place full of breathtaking landscapes and views.

My husband and I packed so many adventures in during the week. We hiked up to see a spectacular waterfall in the heart of the jungle. It was absolutely stunning. It felt like we were in another world. A world with perfect serenity, all you hear are the sounds of the jungle: the waters wisping around, the birds, bugs and other wildlife declaring their presence and the crunch of earth below our feet. No sounds of our usual cityscape including sirens, ambulances, cars, trains, boats, or people. That might have been my favorite part of that hike. Disconnecting with the busy day to day life we have living in a thriving downtown Metropolis. Nothing but nature. It’s so good for my soul.

We quickly escaped to the beach in Waikiki with it’s gorgeous blue and green waters. I love the colors of the ocean. When people ask what my favorite color is, I always say “ocean”. From the deepest and darkest of blues, indigo, and emerald to the lightest powder blue. The waters were mesmerizing and the waters were the perfect temperature. Where we live the waters of the Pacific are typically too cold for me most of the year but not these Hawaiian waters, I could float in them all day. I nearly cried on our last day when my husband told me we had to get out of the water and get ready to head to the airport. Talk about heartbreak.

On one of the days, we rented a red jeep and opened up the top so we could truly enjoy the scene around us. We ventured over to the other side of Oahu to take the Jurassic Adventure and see where they film the Jurassic Park films along with many other blockbuster hits. I can see why. That place is truly stunning. Breathtaking views of the mountains, jungle and ocean. We took the scenic route through the jungle and took our time exploring. The guided tour ride itself through Jurassic was quite bumpy. So much so that I was nearly in tears because I was terrified that it was too much for me and the baby. My husband let our tour guide know I was expecting and they moved us up to the front so that it was less bumpy and the ride from there was a lot smoother and I felt more of a peace knowing that me and baby girl were safer. The tour was awesome.

The rest of our time in Hawaii was spent exploring. We had the privilege of visiting the Pearl Harbor Monument and view the remains of USS Arizona. Such a hallowed experience to see the site of that horrific attack back in 1941 and the damage done to the fleet. To think of the brave men that lost their lives that day is truly tragic. May God rest their souls.

We also got to go snorkeling and sailing. To be honest I was terrified. I am not the best swimmer. My husband on the other hand is a fish. He is an excellent swimmer and was really pushing me to snorkel because he knew what a cool experience it would be for me to see the wildlife in the waters. He was right. I was really nervous and scared so I stayed close to the boat but the boat crew was sweet enough to let me float with a life buoy so that I had that extra “peace of mind” and with the help of that and my sweet patient husband I had the courage to swim in the ocean and snorkel. I saw fish and the coral reef and DOLPHINS! A whole school of Dolphins came swimming right next to us. There were about a dozen of them in the waters including a baby dolphin and it was truly a once in a lifetime experience. Even the boat crew was amazed and said that is the first time they’ve seen so many so close to the snorkeling spot. I took it as God’s pure favor on me. He sent them especially for us. I just know it.

While snorkeling I told my husband to go ahead and join the group that ventured further away from the boat so that he could get a better experience and see more wildlife than just hanging around the boat with me. He did that for a while but then quickly came back by my side because he must have known I was nervous and didn’t want me to feel scared. The moment he came back I instantly felt calmer and in turn braver. I ventured slowly further and further away from the boat because I knew my husband was nearby and wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Isn’t that just like our Heavenly Father? Knowing He is near to us instantly makes me less fearful and freer.

The Bible says, “Perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:18 and I absolutely know this to be true. I struggle a lot in my personal life with fear. I am naturally a worrier and anxious. It is something I have struggled with since I was a child. When put in a new situation I internally panic. Over the years I have learned small ways to cope, deep breaths, feeling my heart beat and trying to slow down my breathing, thinking about positive things, and above all praying. These small coping mechanisms have really helped me along with sweet friends and a supportive husband who can spot my anxious state immediately and offer comfort and assurance that everything is going to be okay and he’s right there with me and wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. In these moments I truly see God’s love because I know that He is using my husband to be a physical reminder of His presence. I know in my heart that God is always with me and that He will never leave me nor forsake me but sometimes in the midst of fear and panic it’s hard to feel that especially when anxious thoughts overwhelm me so I am thankful for a partner who is a physical reminder that I am cared for.

The best part of our honeymoon was actually none of the things I previously mentioned. The best part was all the ways we thought about our daughter Aurora on this trip. We knew she was with us, in my belly and right in the midst of our adventures. We talked about her and thought about her the whole time. We dreamt about what she would look like, if she would be a dark beauty and take after her mama or have goldie locks and blue eyes like her daddy. We wandered what her little voice would sound like and if she’d be bold and fierce or shy and still. We have so many hopes and dreams for her as I am sure all parents do for their child. From the beginning I have felt that instinctive “mama bear” protection rise up inside of me. I am constantly aware of her and every step I take and move I make I have her in the foresight of my thoughts.

My husband and I imagined all our future adventures together with Aurora and all the places we want to take her to. Playing in a park, swimming in the ocean, building sandcastles on the beach. Every store we passed by we looked at the baby clothes and toys and imagined all the cute outfits we could see Aurora wearing. We bought her her first doll, a Hawaiian mermaid. We instantly knew this doll would quickly become Aurora’s favorite and it was so sweet to think of our baby girl and the life we can’t wait to live with her.

Aurora is not even here yet and she’s already changed our lives, instantly making it sweeter.

You see for many years; I wouldn’t allow myself to dream or even hope of the future. I had experienced a terrible breakup after college and was truly heartbroken for years. I told myself that I would never again allow myself to have hope because ultimately hope lead to disappointment. As the bible says, “hope deferred makes the heart sick” Proverbs 13:12.

I was terrified that if I allowed my heart to have the slightest bit of hope that it would be ripped away from me again so I shut myself down and adapted a new life motto that resembled something like “que sera sera” (whatever will be will be). I didn’t want to dream anymore about a wedding, marriage, children, a career, etc. because I knew what it was like to have all those dreams wiped clean. But God knew His plans and purposes for me, despite my fears. He knew the path I would take, the people I would meet, the place I would be in. He knew my deepest hopes and desires and over time poured His healing love over me. I slowly started opening up to the possibility of hope.

Finding out I was pregnant was a miracle to me because for many years I didn’t think it would be possible for me to have a family. I have struggled for years with endometriosis and other female health problems, all of the health issues coupled with my advancing age I thought maybe children weren’t in the cards for me. So, when my husband and I found out we were expecting I was equally excited and terrified. I still feel that strange range of emotions on almost a daily basis. I know many friends and family members who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy and have feared that every single day since I found out I was pregnant. At the same time, I am so grateful to God for this gift and constantly pray over myself and Aurora praying to God that she will be happy and healthy.

With the knowledge of knowing there is life being created inside of me I had this “ROAR OF HOPE” come from deep within my soul. A roar so loud it silenced all my fears. Hope as bold as a lion. It’s a hope I cannot even contain. It seeps out of my pores, floods my thoughts, overtakes my emotions and comes from a place deep deep inside of me. A place I thought was long gone.

Earlier I mentioned that scripture in Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”, but that’s not the end of that verse, it finishes with the words “but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”.

This hope has taken root and is growing rapidly with every breath I take. A longing fulfilled. My longing to be a mother, to have a family of my own, to have a child that I can love completely and nurture. The longing to raise a child with the pure love of God, with a pure devotion to God, with a bold courage and passion to spread love, compassion, kindness and goodness in this world. To be a light in the darkness. I had long forgotten those deep desires inside of me because disappointment and sorrow stripped them away from me, but God never forgot them. You see, nothing can thwart the plans and purposes of God. There is no force in hell that is more powerful than God. There is no power of darkness, no force of Satan that can ever overpower our Heavenly Father. His plans and purposes and will always prevails.

And for that I am so grateful. I am grateful to God that He never gave up on me, even though I gave up on myself so many times. Every tear I cried, every prayer I prayed He heard. He was there with me, when I was lying on the floor weeping, He was there with me when I cried lonely tears, He was there with me when I was at my lowest. He heard the prayers I couldn’t even say out loud. He knew the desires of my heart. He knew the dreams I had for my life. He has NEVER failed me. He has NEVER disappointed me. He has ALWAYS been faithful. He has ALWAYS been near to me.

And so, this ROAR OF HOPE has risen inside of me. A hope for my future. A hope for my daughter’s future. A renewed sense of purpose and passion. I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am here on this Earth for a reason. God is not done with me yet. He has only just begun this work inside of me. I don’t know exactly what lies in the days ahead but I know God is already there. He is taking care of me, taking care of my husband, and taking care of Aurora. A “longing fulfilled is a tree of life”. Let this life continue to flourish and let this love continue to increase. Amen.