The lionhearted thoughts of a girl named Lainey.

Yesterday we announced that we are expecting a beautiful baby girl in the springtime. This is our first child and we couldn’t be happier.

My husband and I are both 37 years old. Well, to be honest, I am 37 and he is 36. He will be turning 37 in November but I don’t like dwell on that fact.

Needless to say, we are considered “older” to be starting our family. Honestly though, the timing could not have been more perfect. You see before I met my husband my track record in dating was not so great. I have had notoriously awful dating stories (more on that later) and I had boyfriends that either cheated on me, treated me poorly or simply put weren’t right for me. Dating was not an enjoyable experience for me. I dreaded it actually. My friends and family were constantly trying to set me up or encouraged me to keep believing there were plenty of fish in the sea. One of my favorite new memes is that exact quote but paired with a picture of an insurmountable amount of trash and plastic being removed from the ocean by a boat with the words to follow “there’s a lot of trash in the sea too”. This could not be more true. Quantity does not determine quality.

I always felt like an outsider. My traditional values and standards didn’t seem to fit the new dating scene. I wasn’t looking for a one night stand or a “Netflix and chill” thing. I wanted substance. I wanted romance. I wanted respect. Cue Aretha-R-E-S-P-E-C-T. This seemed missing in most of the relationships I had and saw. It was completely discouraging, heartbreaking and frustrating. I’d spend many lonely nights and holidays thinking, “Will I ever find someone?”.

Fast forward to my big move to San Diego. I had been living in New Mexico for a few years and my life for lack of a better word had stalled. I felt like I was just going through the motions. Life wasn’t bad but I always felt like there was something more. Something else I should be doing. I wasn’t living my life for me anymore. I was living my life for others and it was slowly killing my spirit. One day at work I looked at the internal job opportunities around the country and when I saw a position open in San Diego I took a huge leap of faith and applied. Within days I was hired and within a week or so I was packing up and moving my life and my dog (Reagan) to sunny San Diego.

After about a year I started feeling myself come back to life. Slowly but progressively. Then the unthinkable happened. A horrific event that would forever change my life.

On October 1st, 2017 I was in Las Vegas, Nevada for a girls trip. We were in Vegas for a country music festival called “Route 91 Harvest Music Festival”. All the big names were going to be there: Eric Church, Jason Aldean, Maren Morris, Sam Hunt, Jake Owen, Chris Young, Luke Combs, Lee Brice, Brothers Osborne, Big and Rich and the list goes on. We were having the time of our lives. Listening to the best country music, dancing under the stars and having the best time singing our little hearts out.

The last night of the festival, we made our way through the crowd and were most excited for the main act, Jason Aldean. We moved around throughout the night and finally landed in a spot for the main show. Jason started playing some of his most popular songs and then the unimaginable happened.

A flash of loud bangs filled the venue. “What was that?” my best friend Michele asked me. I had no idea. The guy standing behind us said, “Probably fireworks on the stirp”. We all looked to the iconic Vegas strip. No sign of fireworks. That was weird but I guess Vegas is always weird. The music played on. Michele grabbed my arm and said “We should get out of here”. I could tell she was scared and honestly that made me scared. I didn’t want to leave but I figured maybe we should just step out of the crowd for a minute and grab a drink. I told my other friend Elaine that we were moving and before she could put her shoes back on, the next wave of loud bangs started. This time it was undeniably the sound of gunshots.

It was multiple gunshots and from that moment on, they never stopped. They only came in waves from left to right over the crowd. Everyone started running, panicking, dropping to the ground. The band stopped playing, Jason Aldean ran off the stage and his bandmates followed. The music stopped and from that moment on all you could hear was rapid gunfire and screams.

It was sheer pandemonium. We were literally running for our lives, trying to find shelter in a wide open field. There was no where to hide. We didn’t know where the gunfire was coming from. We didn’t know if we were running toward or away from the danger. From where I was it sounded like the gunfire was coming from multiple directions. As we ran we were tripping over people, bodies were hititng the ground and you didn’t know if they had been hit or simply tripped.

We saw a fence and decided to jump over it. The only problem was, I got stuck at the top. My stupid jean shorts got caught on the fence spoke and there I was a sitting duck. I couldn’t get myself free. My friends tried lifting me up but I was stuck stuck. That is the moment my life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was going to die up on that fence. What felt like forever was probably only about a minute or two but when you are in that fight, flight or freeze state time becomes warped, everything goes in slow motion but rapidly at the same time. It’s a very weird experience. Luckily, some guys saw me struggling and came and lifted me up and I became free. I hit the ground and we all started running again. Next up, a 6-foot retaining wall. My best friend Michele and I are former cheerleaders and our stunting background prepared us for some quick thinking in getting each other up and over that fence. The only problem was, how was the last girl-Elaine supposed to get over the fence if the other two were already on the other side? Our next set of guardian angels came to our rescue, some guys helped her get over and we were now on the other side of this huge wall looking to see where our escape route was.

During all of this, the bullets never stopped raining down on the crowd. I even said out loud, “It’s still going. How is this still going?”. By that time, there was SWAT teams and police everywhere. There were police cars, ambulances, sirens and helicopters circling the concert venue. It looked like an outright war zone. On the other side of that wall was an apartment building that looked abandoned. People started banging on doors and windows but from the outside it looked like an empty building. Out of nowhere a guy opened one of the doors from the inside, took one good look at all of us and shut his door. I don’t blame him. It was chaos. We were about to go around the building when another guy opened his door and yelled, “Come in. Get inside”. Another angel to our rescue. We all rushed the door and dozens of people flooded this tiny little apartment.

None of us still knew what was going on. So out of precaution, people started putting mattresses up against the windows, we barricaded ourselves with couches and furniture. At this point, I didn’t know if we were under attack or what was going on. I called my parents to tell them what was going on and to ultimately say my goodbyes. If this was my last night on Earth, I wanted them to know how much I loved them. Those were some tough phone calls. My poor parents didn’t know what was going on. All they knew is that I was in the middle of a very dangerous situation and didn’t know how to get out of it.

We hid in the closet. There were 12 or 15 of us in this tiny closet. At one point, my instincts to pray kicked in and I started praying. One of the girls hiding in the closet with us asked me to pray out loud. So I did. I didn’t have my Bible but I felt the intense need to read Psalm 91. I mean why would I have my Bible at a concert? But for whatever reason I NEEDED my Bible. So I got on my phone and remembered I had the Bible app saved. I opened Psalm 91 and began reading it out loud.

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his pinions,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
    nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only look with your eyes
    and see the recompense of the wicked.

⁹ Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
    the Most High, who is my refuge—
¹⁰ no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
    no plague come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways.
¹² On their hands they will bear you up,
    lest you strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the adder;
    the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

¹⁴ “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
    I will protect him, because he knows my name.
¹⁵ When he calls to me, I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will rescue him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

We stayed in that closet for hours. Finally, one of our friends who lived in Vegas braved all that chaos and came to get us. We made it out. We made it out alive when so many didn’t. 58 precious souls died that day. To this day it is the deadliest mass shooting in history.

This experience completely changed my life. Life after this became pretty blurry and pretty dark. I was scared to go anywhere. I was scared to even leave my apartment. No place felt safe. If this could happen there, it could happen anywhere. The truth is it does. America has the most mass shootings in the world. More than any other country combined. Shootings happen almost every day, in grocery stores, at move theaters, in schools. This pains me more than words can say. We live in the greatest country in the world but we still live in fear knowing that another shooting is only days if not minutes away. It is a very sad fact and you better believe I support and rally for better gun laws, safer common sense gun control. Enough is enough. No one should ever have to endure what I endured that day. I pray no one ever does.

It’s been four years since that tragedy happened. I have since gotten out of that dark place with a lot of love and support and understanding from my friends, family and co-workers. By the grace of God, I am alive. Life is somehow sweeter now that I know how fragile it all is and how things can change in a moment. The biggest takeaway from those events is that GOD IS GOOD. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS MY PROTECTOR.

We later came to realize that the direction we ran was straight toward a church right next to the concert venue. Out front they have a statue of Jesus with his arms open wide. Much like the famous statue in Brazil named “Christ the Redeemer”. We also came to realize that the street where the apartment was that we hid in was called “Haven”. We literally ran toward a safe haven right into the arms of Jesus. How amazing is that? God truly rescued us and saved us that day. I will forever be grateful for His mercy and grace that day.

A year after the shooting, I met my now husband Justin. He has been the most loving, supportive and caring man I have ever met. I am not easy to deal with. I come with a lot of emotional baggage and trauma. In the beginning of our relationship and even sometimes now, I run away. Getting close to someone again and being vulnerable made me scared so my natural inclination is to shut down and run. Something I try to overcome all the time. Justin was patient and understanding and basically wouldn’t let me leave him. For that I am so grateful because I had to let my walls down and I am so glad I did.

We are now married with a baby girl on the way. I have truly passed from death with that horrific near death experience in Las Vegas to life with the reality of life growing inside of me. I have prayed and longed to be a mother and to have my own family. God has answered my prayers and I am looking forward to the journey ahead. The sacred journey of motherhood is not one I am going to take lightly. I know God will lead me and guide me. This sweet baby girl has chosen me to be her mama. To say “God is good” is the biggest understatement.

So if you are still reading this, I just want to say “YOU MATTER. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. DON’T GIVE UP. DON’T LOSE HOPE.”

I’ll close with the words of King David, in the book of Psalms he writes: (Psalm 30)

1 I will exalt you, LORD, for you rescued me.

You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.

2 O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,

and you restored my health.

3 You brought me up from the grave, O LORD.

You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

4 Sing to the LORD, all you godly ones!

Praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime!

Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

6 When I was prosperous, I said,

“Nothing can stop me now!”

7 Your favor, O LORD, made me as secure as a mountain.

Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

8 I cried out to you, O LORD.

I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,

9 “What will you gain if I die,

if I sink into the grave?

Can my dust praise you?

Can it tell of your faithfulness?

10 Hear me, LORD, and have mercy on me.

Help me, O LORD.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.

You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,

12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Love you all so much. XO Lainey